No, I'm not dead...yet...

I haven't really fell off of the face of the earth. I just sort of fell in to my life and became enveloped by it. My job, working in regional health care is interesting and engaging. I always have opportuinities to learn new things but there is far too much work and not nearly enough resources to do it all.

I think that we need to focus on a few things and do them well rather than try to do everything. By taking on too many projects at once our attention is too scattered and we don't truly complete anything before picking up a new shiny object to focus our attention on.

Granted, fixing our health care system, even in one region of our province is a tall order. God, I love the challenge. But I think that if we had a few real acknowledged wins in our pocket then the next project might be just a bit easier. We are constantly fighting public perception and the reluctance of the health service providers to do anything differently.

They come to us with hands extended looking for more money, like that will fix all of their problems. And yet, when you suggest that since they can't balance their budget maybe they need to change how they are currently providing services they are indignant. How dare we tell them how to do their job, they are the experts after all.

Frankly, if any one of us overspent to the point of being in debt and needed a loan or a hand out to bail us out then logically you would look at how you got into that position in the first place and put measures in place to ensure you didn't end up in the same boat in the future. In other words...make changes! See where your money is going. What spending can you cut back on? What expenses can you eliminate all together? It's logical. Our health care system, currently, is anything but logical.

In the past if health service providers overspent their budgets they were simply given more money. It created a system where overspending was common place and organizations that were fiscally responsible were in a way penalized. You can't reward bad behaviour and then wonder why they can't act responsibly. And that obvious bit of wisdom could have been provided by any mother in the country. Now all we need to do is teach this lesson to the ones providing our health care services.

Time will tell...and I plan to stay around to see it through. Hang on to your hats boys and girls...it may be a bumpy ride.

A visit from the fabulous Katitude...

Got a call from Kat last night and she is coming for the weekend. Suddenly my week looks a whole lot better than it did a little while ago. I need to restock my bar with all of the fancy garnishes for all of the new recipes I plan to test on her. Friends are great guinea pigs when your perfecting a new drink.

My hubby is working all weekend so it will be a girls event. I'm sure that my son can be bribed to either work as bus boy or vacate for the weekend. Don't get me wrong, I love the kid but sometimes girls just need a little testosterone free space to vent, chat and cut loose.

Only four more sleeps until the weekend!

Girlfriends...

The older I get the more I appreciate my girlfriends.

When females are in their teens, girls are meant to be manipulated. They're your friend this week, your fenemy next week, the horrible witch that stole your boyfriend the week after and your BFF the week after that. (Once they dropped the loser you thought you liked.)

In our twenties women are competition. They are competing for the job you want, the man you want or the attention you want. We treat each other with civil distrust at the best of times and guard our secrets well so that they cannot be used against us in the next strategic attack by our current "competitor".

In our thirties quite a few of us become mothers. This changes the landscape to some degree. We consult more with other women going through the same issues of child rearing and we learn a certain appreciation of advice and sympathy for others sharing our trials. But even for the women that do not become mothers I think there is a mellowing of our baser competitive instincts and a sisterhood of sorts is born. Men cannot understand, no matter how progressive or open minded they might be, what women endure and, honestly, put each other through.

I think it is in our thirties that we attain enough confidence and independence that we don't feel diminished or threatened in any way to admit that we need a little support. And I think it is at this phase of our lives that we develop this much needed support network of women who just "get you". They understand your point of view. You can rant about anything to them and they know exactly what you need. Whether it's a kick in the ass or an empathetic hug. Personally, I more often need a kick in the ass and to be told to get over myself. Who but a girlfriend would dare such a thing.

Now that I am starting my forties I hope that these connections will continue to strengthen and endure. I realize more and more how valuable they are to my well being and sanity. The fact that I can share my life and my secrets with people who in turn trust me enough to share their joys and sorrows with me enriches my life each and every day.

Thank the Gods that we have matured to the point that we can truly appreciate the exceptional value of having women friends. And thank all the Gods that I an fortunate enough to have fabulous women in my life that I would gladly walk through fire for.

Holiday Chaos often followed by Holiday Blues...

The Christmas season has come and gone. We survived it relatively unscathed. I have a very functional dysfunctional family and any holiday season that we get through with little to no drama is a success in my books.

This was the first Christmas that I actually had moments when I just thought "what is the point". Run around buying gifts, stocking stuffers and groceries. Wrap all items, bake goodies, decorate the house, decorate the tree and put out "Santa items". Then fall into unconsciousness and wake up the next morning to unwrap the same items you were up to the wee hours of the morning making look pretty. Recycle all of the boxes, cardboard, gift wrap. Cook, eat and collapse.

My son is fifteen now. We don't have the same excitement about "Santa" that we did even two or three years ago. He is a fairly grounded kid who asks for reasonable things. When your child only asks for one or two items...there isn't exactly a huge amount of surprise on Christmas Day. Sure he was happy to get what he asked for but it wasn't "unexpected" either.

I think I would have been "happier" to spend my time brightening Christmas for others who maybe didn't expect anything. I think that the true JOY that I usually have is experiencing the "surprise" that someone has over receiving something "unexpected". This of course is not to say that I want to receive a kayak paddle next year (though it would be unexpected because I don't own a kayak). Just that I miss the wonder and anticipation that use to permeate the holiday season. My favourite present this year was a "teeny weeny martini set". A shaker, two glasses and stir sticks that would fit in a doll house. It even had a very small recipe book. It probably cost less than $20 and it completely entranced me. So it's not about how much you spend, its about how much thought you put into the gift.

I'm considering spending next Christmas somewhere warm with the people I love and foregoing gifts all together. I don't want to go through the rituals of the expected actions, participating in the expected events, giving and receiving the expected gifts and experiencing the expected let down or holiday hang over.

I still need to dredge up the required energy to take down the tree and decorations. This weekend I hope...unless the amazing Katitude calls and says she wants to spend the weekend being spontaneous or perfecting martini recipes. Then all bets are off and maybe my husband and son can "deal" with the holiday clean up.

I'll cross my fingers.

Happy Holidays everyone...I promise to pull myself out of this post-Christmas funk soon.

Congratulations!

I want to send my best wishes and love to "loud" down-under and her new, lovely hubby. They got married on New Years Day.

What a fantastic way to start your year!

Too Cute Not to Share

Camping & Tent-Trailer Trash...

Just got back from two weeks of vacation and it is hard to get back to the grind.

I love camping. I love spending the majority of every day outside, rain or shine. I love not knowing what time it is. I love not having a telephone interrupting my day and not knowing for sure where I left my cell phone. I like not having a computer, TV or video games robbing time from my day. I love eating when I'm hungry and sleeping when I'm tired. I love the ritual of boiling water and washing dishes after a meal. I love the conversations that start because of a particularly adorable red squirrel that felt it was his place to loudly complain about the shortage of peanuts. I love the sound of crickets at night and birds in the morning. Afternoon naps are very under-rated and should be a part of our everyday life if we feel we need them.

I came home feeling like I had finally found the time to recharge my batteries, that instead of going through the motions of my life, I did a little living. I came home very Zen and peaceful and I am having a hard time finding the motivation to pick up the pace to the expected speed that we normally live.

Life moves far too fast. In a few more years we will be empty nesters. I'm not prepared to see my son leave for University yet. The weeks slip by, the months, the years and it's always...well some day we will...well, fill in the sentence as you wish. But I feel like we get caught up in the flow of our lives with out really appreciating the details and aspects of every day.

When was the last time you took the time to look at a tree in the early morning light? Just to look at it and marvel at it's beauty. How the light shines as it touches the dew on the leaves and the sound the leaves make as they rustle in the breeze. Yes, they have their own sound. It's a sound that can't be heard over the noise of cars, people, radios, ipods, lawn mowers and all of the various back ground noise that we become accustom to and tune out.

How much are we missing out on simply because it has become like white noise in our heads that we just tune out?

I saw a starry sky full of more tiny pin pricks of light than I every thought the heavens could hold. I live in a rural area and thought that the lack of street lights allowed me a better view of the night sky than my urban neighbours. And I was partially right... I do see more stars than city dwellers but nothing close to the spectacular sight that can be seen in a truly dark rural area.

I look forward to our summer camping. My life is too scheduled.

Camping is a time that I treasure. I feel revitalized. I will hold the memory of this time in my heart and try to remind myself to be more impulsive and spontaneous. I will try to remember that just because technology is moving at the speed of light, my life does not have to. I will try to remember to appreciate the details of the people and places that surround me. I will try to remember that cameras take much better pictures when you take them out of the camera case. I will make more time for the things in my life that are truly important rather than simply urgent or expected.

Yes, I am proud to say...I really am tent-trailer trash and ain't it grand!

Update...

Well, working from home had mixed results.

On one hand, accessing my email and calendar is incredibly fast and it doesn't tie up the phone line. On the other hand, we found that the cordless phone seems to interfere with and disconnect the wireless signal. We will have to problem solve and see if the phone can be changed to a different channel. (Worse comes to worse...we go back to corded phones.)

The other problem is minor but important. To access the wireless signal we have USB adapters that plug in. But you need drivers installed on the computer/lap top/Xbox for them to work. The lap top I brought home doesn't have a wireless network card installed and I did not have the administrative privileges to install the drivers needed to use the USB adapter. Therefore, no VPN access for me.

It turned out okay. Most of the files that I needed to work with were attachments to emails in my inbox, which I could access. So we are calling it a success and on Monday I will corner the powers that be to get the drives installed on the lap top so that I will be good to go next time.

No rant required. God, sometimes I love technology.

Finally...

Today we finally joined the 21st century and got wireless high-speed internet. It's so fast...it's scary. We no longer have to tie up the phone line for hours downloading windows updates or patches. Thank the gods.

Of coarse the kid now wants a subscription to Xbox live and various other software for the PC that simply wasn't possible to run on our 24.4 kb per second dial up. We went with the wireless router, so that we can access it anywhere in the house or even the tent trailer in the back yard...if that's what floats your boat.

I brought a lap top home and plan to work from home tomorrow. This ability may be old hat to some of you but personally, I find this option too cool for words. We will see how effective this turns out to be...I have the phone number for tech support handy.

Update to follow tomorrow...let's hope it isn't a rant.

Update...

The new job is...amazing.

I'm working with a group of dynamic, self-sufficient dragon slayers. They all believe in what we are doing and are committed to contributing to the success of our agency. It is quite a unique experience.

Most of the staff members are new, like me, and we are creating processes and making stuff up as we move forward. There isn't any blue print to follow. We are one of 14 new government agencies, mandated to transform the health care system in the province of Ontario. No one has done what we are trying to do. We are flying without a net. It is soooooo cool.

Everyone I work with, without exception, is talented, motivated and truly believes that we can change, at least our part of, the world for the better. And they are a lot of fun too.

Today in our weekly staff meeting, one of our senior directors wanted to know what every one's schedule was like at 2:30 PM. She then informed everyone that we were going on a small road trip and attendance was mandatory. We all headed to Dairy Queen for a sundae. You have to love a company that can be silly and managers that say things like "It's my job to ensure that you are having fun. What's fun for you?"

I've been working at the new job for almost two months and it feels like two and a half weeks. It's interesting and it really has been a lot of fun. It doesn't feel like "work". And hey, I get paid too.

Life is good!

Now What...

My feet are securely back on the ground now, after my initial excitement and elation over my new job. The reality has started to sink in and with it comes the anxiety of "Oh my God, what have I got myself into?".

No one quits a job of seven years without a little trepidation. Last night all that I could think of is"What will happen now?", "Will I be successful at this job?" and "Will I be able to meet the challenges of the new position?"

And then, this morning when I woke up I realized that the reason I was looking for a new job is because life was just too damn predictable. My current position is very comfortable. Every day you come to work and you know just what to expect. When I look at a calendar I can tell you what I will be working on next week or after the second quarter of the fiscal and next March at the year end.

So the reality is that I'm not really sure what I will be doing next week or next month or next year... and isn't that amazing! Life just got a whole lot more interesting.

I Got the Job!

There will be many sacrificial martinis offered at the alter of the gods.

I am overjoyed!

Now, I just need to write my resignation letter.

::smile from ear to ear::

Tomorrow...

The countdown continues.

Tomorrow at 5:00 PM I will find out if I do indeed have a new job.

If I am offered a new position I can guarantee you that first thing Wednesday morning I will be submitting my resignation. I've tried hard not to go there yet. I don't want to jinx anything and I don't want to count my chickens before they've hatched but it's hard. I haven't been entirely happy here for some time and the prospect of a new challenge is like cat nip. Completely irresistible.

::sigh::

Till tomorrow then.

The Never Ending Interview...

I have been a VERY patient person of late. Do I get a gold star or what?

I recently interviewed for a new job. The first interview was cancelled due to bad weather and rescheduled for two weeks later. When I finally went to the interview it consisted of a one hour interview followed by one hour of testing and then half an hour to write a spur of the moment essay. There were 10-12 candidates

Two weeks later I was invited back for a second interview. This one was only 45 min or so and then I was given a "take home project" to complete and email in a couple of days later. I also had to fill out a consent form for them to check all of my references, do a police check and verify my education. There were only 2 candidates left.

Two weeks later I get a call "inviting me for coffee" with the CEO. I'm told this is a good thing and I am the only candidate that he is meeting with but they still have not confirmed that they are going to offer me employment. I have been reassured that it is not an interview.

I set up the appointment for coffee at our local Starbucks for, you guessed it, two weeks later. So I will meet with the CEO on April 24th and we will see if this long, very involved process is actually going to pan out for me.

The entire process has taken about two months. I have been alternating between excitement strong enough to make me vibrate and angst that I have failed to land this job, that I really, really want.

So the count down begins...only four days to my answer. Cross your fingers for me and GOD help the person who makes me jump through one more hoop before they decide if I'm the person they want for this job.

After all, there is definitely a limit to my patience...as everyone who really knows me, is very well aware of. ::evil smile::

Quotes...

Saw these quotes and just had to share:

“One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop.” -G. Weilacher

“I'm tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay.” - Madonna

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.” - Albert Einstein

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.” - Robert McCloskey

The Big Four Ohhh...

In celebration of my 40th Birthday I have decided to take a page from Kat's book and compile a list of 40 useless things about me. Enjoy!

1. I hate yellow flowers, both cut and the garden variety. One of the first things I did when I move into my house was to eradicate them from my garden.
2. I procrastinate about just about everything until I can't look at myself in the mirror. Then I tackle the issues with too much enthusiasm and scare the living begeezes out of just about everyone around me.
3. You are guaranteed to hurt my feelings by telling me that you find me to be intimidating.
4. When I close my eyes while listening to music I actually see colours and shapes. I thought that everyone experienced music this way and only recently discovered that it wasn't "normal".
5. I love all music with two exceptions; Rap and Country.
6. When I watch TV or listen to the radio the volume control MUST be on an even number. ( I howled when I discovered that Kat shares this odd quirk.)
7. I met my husband at the bus stop on the first day of high school the year I was in grade 11.
8. I then dated a guy that turned out to be his best friend for several years.
9. I did not start dating my husband until years later after I had graduated from college.
10. I have been happily married to my hubby for 17 years and we have been together for 20 years. (half my life)
11. When I married my husband my parents took him aside and asked him if he was sure he was doing the right thing and did he realize what he was getting himself in to. They also informed him that once he married me I had officially become his problem. (No joking.)
12. I love my family. Warts and all.
13. I was a model child, an honour student and, until I was 16, thought that I would become a nun.
14. I was a difficult teenager. I guess I made up for lost time.
15. I am opinionated and direct. I appreciate people who "say what they mean and mean what they say".
16. I hate ignorant, bigoted people. I also hate people who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions or decisions. Everything, somehow, is always the fault of someone else or is a complicated conspiracy to screw them over.
17. My favourite colour is red.
18. I have two favourite numbers; 4 and 6.
19. I will turn forty on the fourth month of the fourth day.
20. I hate mornings and need to be well caffeinated before having the ability to be civil.
21. I was naive enough when I got married that I mistakenly thought that I had to fill out paperwork to "change my name". The result is a new birth certificate in my married name. I know... I really do have blond moments.
22. I love camping. As long as we are NOT sleeping on the ground. My husband affectionately refers to me as "Tent Trailer Trash". I wear the label proudly.
23. I read. A lot. It's an addiction of sorts.
24. I LOVE raspberry cosmopolitans. In fact all things martini just flat out do it for me.
25. I am a cat person. A house is not a home until a cat is in residence.
26. I am not a dog person and I tolerate them with less grace since the passing of our 18 year old Pomeranian dog, Ducky.
27. I am an army brat.
28. I have moved 17 times in 40 years.
29. I always feel better when my toenails are painted. Preferably some bright colour that I wouldn't normally have on my fingers.
30. I plan to get my first tattoo in commemoration of my 40th birthday...a martini glass of sorts.
31. I LOVE dark chocolate, especially Leonida's.
32. White chocolate is an oxymoron and as far as I'm concerned is the crappy byproduct you are left with, and should chuck out, once you extract all of the cocoa solids. (or real chocolate)
33. My role in my family is to actually vocalize what everyone else is thinking but is too afraid to say. This does not always make me very popular...but at least I'm fulfilling my role.
34. My mom is one of my most favourite people on the planet. We had a few years when I was a teenager, and thought I knew everything, when we barely spoke but have had a wonderful relationship both before and after the period that I temporarily lost my mind.
35. I have been blessed with some very special and unique friends. You know who you are and I'm not sure I could have arrived at this point in my life, this well adjusted, without all of you supporting me every step of the way.
36. I was raised Roman Catholic and after my disillusionment with them...long story...I don't have any affiliation with any organized religion. I believe in a Higher Power but I don't think anyone has Her figured out just yet.
37. I love to cook, entertain and throw parties.
38. I hate parties thrown in my honour. So, there will be no 40th birthday bash for me. Thank you very much.
39. I never thought I would be a mother but I have a wonderful 14 year old son that I am eternally grateful for each and every day.
40. My son still thinks I'm cool. How cool is that?

Happy Birthday to Me!

Aussie Invitational and Winter Blues

The Aussies came, great food, many drinks and good company were enjoyed and they left...far too soon. Kat also graced our new kitchen with her awesomeness and helped me experiment with a few new martinis. I still think some of them need to be fine tuned before they make it to our favourites list though. (Kat we have a date during March Break to tackle this project.)

I've been in a bit of a funk since Jules and Graham left us while still in the harsh clutches of winters grasp. I miss Jules a lot and having her on the other side of the planet is just hard to accept some times. I guess this trip really brought home the fact that she has moved on with her life and won't be back any time soon. (Not permanently anyway.) I guess a small part of me was still holding on to the hope that she would wake up one day soon and want to "come home". Damn, I sound like a jilted lover for goodness sake.

Jules is family and I'm glad that I got to meet the man that convinced her to rebuild her life so far from everything that was familiar to her. He's a good match for her. It's obvious that she has finally found a partner in every sense of the word. I'm happy for her...really I am...I'm just a little sad for me. I'll get over it and get on with my life as well. There just seems to be a small void where there wasn't before. Maybe that's just the Winter Blues talking. I hope so. And after all, it isn't as if she is gone from my life...we still connect on a regular basis. I know that she will always be there in a crisis and that she will always share in all of the important events in our lives. She just lives each day 16 hours before I do.

So tell me Jules, how is tomorrow looking? ::smile::

Say a little prayer...but not for me, thanks.

I've taken a long sabbatical from my blog. I needed time to focus on getting my house back together and I decided I didn't want my blog to be about my misfortunes with my home renovations. Issues continue to be ongoing but I refuse to rant about it any more. I just can't justify the outrage over something that isn't really THAT important.

Which brings me to my paradigm shift. I have a friend that seems to flow from one crisis to another. I know that some people believe in a benevolent God that only gives you challenges or misfortunes that, apparently, He feels that you can handle but...when is enough, enough. I'm not convinced, anymore, that even if there is a higher power that they care enough about the day to day minutiae of our lives to be concerned one way or the other.

I see the issues that she is dealing with every day and the new issues that come down the pike on a regular basis. I am astounded that she has not broken yet. I am amazed that she finds the heart or the energy to get up in the morning and face each day. The issues that she is dealing with are life-altering individually. Together they are overwhelming to me, who doesn't even have to grapple with them personally. I do what I can, help as she will allow and offer my support and encouragement when she asks for it but it is difficult to watch. She is struggling each and every day but I don't honestly know if I could handle any of it any better.

It's humbling and maybe that is as it should be. Maybe that is the purpose of hardship, to put things back into perspective for those of us who have lost sight of the bigger picture. For those of us who rant and rave about things that truly are not important.

So my kitchen isn't perfect...so what. No one I love died today. No one I love is suffering, starving, homeless or ill. No one I love is in an abusive relationship and feeling helpless. There are things that are worth getting upset about, there are things worthy of a rant and a rave but nothing in my life is bad enough, hard enough or bleak enough to deserve the expense of energy required for that level of indignation.

I will try to keep this in mind the next time I want to complain...because when I look at the bigger picture...I think, I really need to relearn how to count my blessings and be thankful for all of good and fulfilling things I have in my life.

And for my friend's sake...I may even relearn the art of prayer and see if I can reignite a little faith.

Merry Christmas...

Just wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. We finally managed to get our tree up and decorated and my kitchen is now fully functional. Christmas miracles do happen! It's finished just in time for me to prepare Christmas dinner for fourteen.

I haven't finished my Christmas shopping yet (actually, I've barely started) but I still have a few days to squeeze it in before a visit from these guys.

Now all we need is a light dusting of snow and our Christmas will be complete.

Merry Christmas everyone!

The Kitchen that ate my life...and my bank account.

Tomorrow is the day that I meet with Rona and the rep from NHB (the kitchen cabinet manufacturer) and work out the financials of my kitchen. I'm going in loaded for bear and hope to recoup some of the extra costs that I have had to incur because of their incompetence.

They are coming to my home tomorrow morning at 9:30 AM to do a "walk-through". I am assuming this is to ensure that I didn't install two kitchens or any extras from all of the bits and pieces that arrived and had to be sent back or exchanged or reordered. No problem. When they arrive they will find a kitchen (almost) identical to the to-scale drawings I provided them at the beginning of this fiasco. The only reason that they are not identical is because, a few of the items that were ordered incorrectly, we finally caved to, and installed anyway rather than wait another six weeks for the proper one to arrive.

Last word from my contractor was that they said they were already a few hundred dollars in the red for the items. This does not break my heart since my extra expenses are in the thousands.

In some ways I just want this to be over. Finish already and get the hell out of my house. But I don't want to give in just to have it over. They cost me money, they caused me stress, they caused an epic inconvienince and there are days, weeks, months that I will never get back.

How do you put a price on not being able to entertain, not being able to throw a birthday party for your child, not being able to accomodate a visit from family members or friends, not being able to sit anywhere in your house except your bed to eat or have a cup of coffee, not having running water or anything to prepare food for weeks. What is the price tag for all of that? (and more) I'm not sure, but I intend to try tomorrow and with any luck I can finally put all of this behind us and start living my life again.

Cross your fingers for me.